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This week's poll is based upon the book, "Andy Roddick Beat Me With a Frying Pan," which was released this week. Some of you may recall that I wrote about one chapter of this book several months ago. You do not have to re-read that story to answer this poll -- I'll summarize it here: The book answers idiot, hypothetical, unanswerable sports questions once and for all, by actually staging the events.


This poll is unusual, as you will see, in that there ARE inarguably correct answers, as opposed to answers I claim are correct, but only with dubious authority. Here, there are absolutely right answers, which I will reveal during the chat.


1. A major-league batting champion, Freddy Sanchez of the Pittsburgh Pirates, bats six simulated innings against a succession of champion Wiffle-ball pitchers. The rules are Wiffle-ball rules, with the pitcher standing 45 feet away instead of the 60 feet, six inches of Major League Baseball. A Wiffle bat is used. How does Freddy do?

 
 

2. An ordinary guy -- pretty good athlete but mediocre swimmer -- swims 50 yards against three-time Olympic gold medalist Josh Davis. The handicap is that the ordinary Joe swims freestyle, whereas Josh has to do the dog paddle: He cannot lift his arms or legs above the water. What happens?
 
 

3. An ordinary, reasonably athletic middle-aged guy races 100 meters against Maurice Greene, one of the fastest Olympic sprinters in the world. The ordinary guy gets a 31-meter head start AND gets to run the final half of his race on an airport moving-sidewalk that boosts his speed. They race twice. Who wins?
 
 

4. Pro bowler Pete Weber plays Ordinary Joe at Skee-ball. They play several games. What happens?
 
 

5. A team of midgets is assembled to bat against a former major league pitcher known for his pinpoint control (Dana Kiecker of the Red Sox, retired but still in shape and playing baseball) . The midgets -- ranging in height from 3 foot 4 inches, to 4 foot 4 inches -- just stand there with bats on their shoulders, so they either strike out or walk. Extrapolated into a major-league game, how would this all-midget team do as an offensive weapon?
 
 

6. PGA tour veteran Rocco Mediate plays an Ordinary Joe in 18 holes of miniature golf. Neither golfer knows the course beforehand. What happens?
 
 

7. Can a basketball player really "make change off the top of the backboard"? In other words, can a tall, high-leaping pro touch the top of the backboard? To test this, 6-foot-7 Olympic high jumper James White tried to do it, on the reasonable theory that if he couldn't, no one could. (In competition, White has brought his entire body over a seven-foot-four bar.) What happened here?
 
 

8. Ordinary Joe plays a five-game set of 8-ball with Ismael Paez, a champion billiards player. The handicap is that Paez can only use one hand. What happens?
 
This week's survey brought to you by zzzzzzzzzzz.