Cats are no more capable of showing affection than are sand crabs.

There is no difference between a belief in the Judeo-Christian God and a belief that the world was created by an enormous yak named Steve.

Israel is wrong about everything.

There is no difference between breastfeeding in public and pooping in public.

It's time to finally admit that George W. Bush was a "near great" president.

If your spouse divorces you, it probably means you are unlovable.

It's never too early to teach schoolchildren about contraception and oral sex; first grade seems about right.

People who have more than three kids are destroying their children and the planet.

Jennifer deserves Brad more than Angelina does.

There is no such thing as "irritable bowel syndrome." There are just grumpy, gassy fussbudgets.

Everyone who didn't vote for Obama is a racist.

Naming one's daughter Madison or Kaitlyn, or one's son Tyler or Brandon, should automatically trigger a visit by Child Protective Services.

If you're not willing to slaughter and butcher an animal yourself, you have no moral right to eat its meat.

Bernard Madoff isn't so bad, really.

Women in miniskirts shouldn't complain about getting ogled. In fact, they should be grateful.

Fat people just need to stop eating so much.

If you ask me, Barack Obama has already proven that he's not up to the job.

The following people have no talent whatsoever, and anyone who thinks they do is an idiot: Miley Cyrus, Will Smith, Stephen Colbert, Kanye West, Neil Diamond and the Jonas Brothers.

It is more important that American children learn Spanish in our schools than it is that Spanish-speaking children learn English in our schools.

Some people love people of the same sex, and it isn't wrong. Some people love sheep, and that isn't wrong, either.

Cats are no more capable of showing affection than are sand crabs.

There is no difference between a belief in the Judeo-Christian God and a belief that the world was created by an enormous yak named Steve.

Israel is wrong about everything.

There is no difference between breastfeeding in public and pooping in public.

It's time to finally admit that George W. Bush was a "near great" president.

If your spouse divorces you, it probably means you are unlovable.

It's never too early to teach schoolchildren about contraception and oral sex; first grade seems about right.

People who have more than three kids are destroying their children and the planet.

Jennifer deserves Brad more than Angelina does.

There is no such thing as "irritable bowel syndrome." There are just grumpy, gassy fussbudgets.

Everyone who didn't vote for Obama is a racist.

Naming one's daughter Madison or Kaitlyn, or one's son Tyler or Brandon, should automatically trigger a visit by Child Protective Services.

If you're not willing to slaughter and butcher an animal yourself, you have no moral right to eat its meat.

Bernard Madoff isn't so bad, really.

Women in miniskirts shouldn't complain about getting ogled. In fact, they should be grateful.

Fat people just need to stop eating so much.

If you ask me, Barack Obama has already proven that he's not up to the job.

The following people have no talent whatsoever, and anyone who thinks they do is an idiot: Miley Cyrus, Will Smith, Stephen Colbert, Kanye West, Neil Diamond and the Jonas Brothers.

It is more important that American children learn Spanish in our schools than it is that Spanish-speaking children learn English in our schools.

Some people love people of the same sex, and it isn't wrong. Some people love sheep, and that isn't wrong, either.