If I were busted propositioning a man in a men's room.

If I were busted with a pound of marijuana.

If I were busted propositioning a decoy female prostitute.

If I were charged with $15,000 tax evasion.

If it were revealed that I secretly wrote in my own questions to this chat, to provoke interesting discussions, five or 10 questions a week.

If I were convincingly accused of plagiarism.

If I were convincingly accused of having gotten a hot young woman friend of mine to sleep with The Great Zucchini in exchange for his letting me write the story about him.

If I were convincingly accused of making up a person to create a perfect quote in a story.

If I were convincingly accused of accepting a $2,000 bribe to write a completely true but flatteringly slanted story about someone.

If I had never really used narcotics or been to Woodstock, but created that history to make myself more interesting.

If I chose Eric Shansby to illustrate my column because he and I were romantically involved. (He was not yet 19 when he first began to work with me.)

If Liz and I really despise each other, but pretend to be all flirty and affectionate to make the chats more jaunty and positive.

If it were revealed that I liked to attend illegal pit bull fights.

If private e-mails I had written indicated that I had angrily and seriously referred to someone using the n-word.

If private e-mails I had written showed I had seriously argued that women are temperamentally unsuited for high management jobs.

If private e-mails I had written had been deeply contemptuous of, and belittling to, my wife.

If it were discovered to have downloaded child porn onto my computer.