1. If you must drive drunk, make sure the radio is turned up loud. That way you won't hear the crash.

2. A woman says to her husband, "Suppose you came home one night and found another man making love to me. What would you do?" Husband says, "I'd kick his seeing-eye dog."

3. A guy walks into the Stage Delicatessen, orders barley and bean soup. The waiter whispers, "nemnisht," which in Yiddish means, "don't take it." Another waiter hears this, walks over to the boss and says, 'Where did you get a Chinese waiter who speaks Yiddish?" The boss says, "Don't say nothing. He thinks I'm teaching him English."

4. An old man approaches a prostitute. "How about a little fun?" he says. She asks: "How old are you, anyway?" "Eighty-six." She says: "Sorry, sir, but you've had it." He says: "Oh. Well, how much do I owe you?"

5. A man has been smoking for 20 years. He takes one puff from each cigarette, throwns it down and steps on it. He does this all day, every day. What do you think this man has today? Cancer of the shoe.

6. A man is stretched out on his back on four seats in the movie theater. The usher tells him he has to sit normally, but the guy just grunts, doesn't move. So then the manager comes. Same routine. Finally they bring a police officer, who tells the guy to get out of those seats. The guy just grunts. "Okay, wise guy," says the cop. "Where are you from?"

"The balcony."

7. A hotel desk clerk gets a call from a woman with a complaint. Her husband has gone for a walk, she said, and she tried to take a nap. But every time she lies down on the bed, a train roars by and the vibrations are so great she is literally knocked out of bed. The hotel is right near the railroad tracks, but the clerk tells the woman he has never heard it was this bad! The woman invites him to come up to the room to see. So he goes up, and the woman invites him to lie on the bed. Just then her husband walks in. "What are you doing in bed with my wife?" he bellows. "Believe it or not, I'm waiting for a train."

8. Want to drive someone crazy? Send him a wire saying, "Ignore first wire."

9. A man and a woman are in a room. All of a sudden, the sound of approaching steps. She says, "quick, hide! That's my husband!" He says, "Where's the back door?" She says, "We haven't got one." He says, "Well, where would you like one?"

10. They have a new thing nowadays called Smokers Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together.

11. A doctor gave a guy six months to live, and he didn't pay his bill. So the doctor gave him six more months to live.

Which of these is the funniest?